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Young Writers Society



Ignorant Haiku

by Sumi H. Inkblot


Silence in the house
Computer humming loud
I crave Snickers.
-----
There you go. Bleed your eyes out. Bad Haiku by the Baroness ;) (I....rhyme!)

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103 Reviews

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Sun Nov 24, 2013 7:29 am
KittyCatMeow wrote a review...



Hi, Sumi! I have arrived to review "Ignorant Haiku". Hmm, sounds pretty interesting!

Starting from looking at the title, it already hooks the reader in. Great work on that part! Although, I don't understand what the title means since it isn't related to the haiku at all...

Silence in the house


Huff huff. Silence in the house? That's informative, and interesting. Hooking the reader in some more! Prepare the bait!

Computer humming loud


Now I feel as though I can relate to a real life situation, and the personification is fabulous. My addiction to computers adds to this. Hum hum hum hum hum hum

Or more rather the buzzing of fan.

buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz.

Also, this needs an extra syllable to finish the 7 syllable match. That means that you should add "ly" to the end of "loud".

Finishing product:
Computer humming loudly


I crave Snickers.


Yaay! Snickers <3 It just needs another syllable. Something like "I crave more Snickers" or "I crave great Snickers." Eh, a line somewhere along those lines.

Overall, this was a nice poem, and it isn't bad at all. It's random, but still connects.

Continue!

Keep writing! ;)

~Kitty




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Sun Oct 27, 2013 7:50 pm
Sassafras wrote a review...



Hello, Sumi!

Great poem, really funny, but the only problem is that this isn't a haiku. I read the comments below mine though, and it seems that someone's already pointed that out to you. So now my question is why haven't you changed this not-haiku into the actually one that you wrote? That would be best for everyone, I think, and would help dispel some confusion. Anyway, I'll be reviewing the edited version of this poem that you posted down in the comments.

Silence in the house
Computer humming loudly
I crave Snickers bar.


You actually managed to make your poem an actual haiku, which is good, but there are still some things making this wrong. When you read this haiku, you can tell that you were trying perhaps a bit too hard. These phrases don't fit together right anymore, especially not the last line.

I crave Snickers bar.


I'm sure that you can see that this doesn't make much sense. It doesn't sound like proper English. "I crave a Snicker's bar" should be how this line is phrased, but, as you notice, this isn't five syllables.

Really, Sumi, you just need to rethink this whole thing. It's funny and a good idea for a haiku if it was done right. Also, fun fact, a haiku is only really a haiku if it incorporates nature in some way or form. Don't worry, though, people don't usually follow that rule anymore. I know I don't.

Hope I helped!

-ReiseP




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Sun Oct 27, 2013 7:18 pm
ajruby12 wrote a review...



ajruby here..
Just a few words.. Story. Of. My. Life.. ;)
Ha, I love Snickers.... Anyway, getting back to the point..
What exactly does the title have to do with the haiku? Just curious about that.. It just doesn't seem to fit.
Also, as another note, I am not a fan of haikus as they are painfully short and impossible to put any idea in... But you did a really good job with it! :)
Keep writing and Happy Review Day!

-Lady Ariana, The Silver Knight




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Sun Oct 27, 2013 7:07 pm
Niraco wrote a review...



This isn't bad at all. I have just started to read haikus and this has been the first that made me laugh out loud.

Silence in the house
Computer humming loud
I crave Snickers.


The ending just slayed me and is an almost perfect portrayal of most young people who live on the internet. It was nicely written and I feel as if you were too hard on yourself. Sure it wasn't great but it was lacking. However what you lack in emotion you made up for in humour. Great job and happy writing!




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Thu Mar 15, 2007 12:26 am
Scenicview wrote a review...



Baroness Ink wrote:Silence in the house
Computer humming loud
I crave Snickers.
-----
There you go. Bleed your eyes out. Bad Haiku by the Baroness ;) (I....rhyme!)


Attention deficit and curious. Adolescent and cute. I think this has to be appreciated from a teenage perspective because there's an apparent hormonal madness attached to it.




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Wed Mar 14, 2007 6:22 pm
Goldenheart says...



'Tis NOT bad at all, in my opinion! You have summed up the depths of my surroundings and feelings in three lines!

Goldie




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Wed Mar 14, 2007 2:00 pm
Sumi H. Inkblot says...



I said it was bad...lol.
REVISED: Ignorant Haiku:
Silence in the house
Computer humming loudly
I crave Snickers bar.




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Wed Mar 14, 2007 1:57 pm
Ofour wrote a review...



Don't put yourself down so much... but I agree. Didn't contain much depth, just a basic description of what is happening around you, it doesn't induce any challenging or profound thoughts in the reader.

A haiku is:

5 syllables
7 syllables
5 syllables

Yours is 5 6 4 so it's not a real haiku.
You could change "loud" to "loudly" but I have no solution for the last line.





The adjective should reinvent the noun.
— Leslie Norris